Manning ALL THE WAY!!!!!!!!!!! Greatest FB Player EVER! Go Peyton!
Self Worth
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In 2010, I had a great job working for a company that I had more loyalty to than my own family. I worked nights, weekends, non-stop and felt I had the appreciation of the company. Until one day I was walking out the door to my car, never to return. My worth was worthless and I was tossed to the side.
For the next year and a half I worked through a lot of feelings and emotions, mainly rehashing thoughts of how could a company I was so loyal to throw me away so easily. It ate at me almost daily, even after I started working a new job.
But just in the past month or so did I come to a realization – I am not upset at the old job for tossing me to the side without a second thought. No, I am upset because I let them get into my head and make me feel like I was worthless. I realized this when my new job made a few comments to me like “You have no idea how big of a help you are” and “We couldn’t do this every day without your help.” And I again felt a sense of worth – I meant something to someone to make a comment like that. I had regained my self-worth.
What I then realized is that I am given self-worth every day, by my family and my friends. How could I be so unintuitive to these daily confirmations that should and DO mean more than any job? Jobs come and go, been there done that and have the emotional scars to show but the worth we feel from our family and friends holds a much more intense sense of worth than any job, material item or any judgement should have over us.
So this year I am vowing to make sure I value my family and friends sense of worth over my job and any other “fly-by-night” situation may have over me. Not a resolution, the way life should be lived.
New Driving Rules
If I recall in my drivers education class I was told on a multiple lane road the slower cars stay to the right and faster cars can use the left lanes to pass other cars.
It appears in the past few years and especially the past few months, Ohio has changed this rule because I seem to be passing more and more cars in the right hand lane. I’m not sure if this truly a new “legal” rule or just people think going 67 mph in a 65 mph entitles them to keep driving in the left lane while those of us who want to go 70 mph are stuck behind them!
I wish I had a large LED sign on the front of my car to “politely” inform the slower traffic in front of me to kindly move to the right so I can pass them. However I’m not sure in the heat of the moment I would phrase it so politely.
Maybe its better I don’t have that sign after all.
Almost 2013
So, it’s obvious that my 4th, 5th, 18th try at keeping a blog has somewhat failed since this is the first post since January 1, 2012. But I’m going to give it another try. I think I’m all caught up in the fact that I think I need to write a novel on here or have something so earth-shattering to say and when I realize that I don’t have that Pulitzer-prize winning post to write I write nothing.
So I’ll try better to write something – Anything – even if it is short and maybe makes no sense to anyone else but me. Because for me this is more of a public journal than anything. And sometimes writing something helps to get out feelings and maybe help me work through some thoughts.
So here’s to 2013 and best of luck to me to make many more posts than before.
2011: A Look Back
January 1st, 2012 – A day to reflect back on last year and the events that happened to shape where I am today. Before looking into the “highlights” (some being lowlights, or at least how they make me feel thinking about them) let me give a summary of my feelings about the past year.
2011 for me was a year of challenge and change. I think this last year has had more of an impact than any other year in the past decade. My faith has definitely been tested and I have made some tough decisions that will have lasting effects on my life. Family has grown closer to my heart, some friends have gone while others have grown closer, and priorities in my life have gone under the microscope and changed. I hope that 2012 is less eventful and more solid. That is why my focus word for 2012 is HOPE. Hope for a good job; hope for a nice affordable apartment; hope for getting my life back on track; hope for the government to help our country out with jobs, the economy, and all the uncertainty in our country. And hope that this year is better for all my family and friends as well.
January 2011 – Visited Ikea for the first time and LOVED it! My suspicions about my former employer selling out were confirmed. Started a remodel of my Mom’s laundry room. With my nephews Nick and Kyle started a web design business with our first client, The Gathering church in Middletown. Had a few opportunities to babysit my niece’s son Matthew after he got out of school.
February 2011 – Started the month with an epic ice storm that left a sheet of ice almost 4-5″ thick on everything. Attended the Rock and Worship Roadshow. On the 16th the outdoor temp hit 59.9 degrees! Took Mom to work for a few weeks and helped her do some of her work which I loved! Started the routine of sitting on the couch and bonding with Echo the pup each night. Experienced widespread flooding around the area, including Mom’s road.
March 2011 – Headed to Erie, PA with my nephew Kyle to pick up my other nephew Malachi. Ended up staying the night in Cleveland and visiting the “Christmas Story” house and museum. Then went to St. Louis with Mo and Frank for a weekend of fun! Had a few job interviews, nothing worked out though. Rocked out at Winterjam.
April 2011 – Started the month with a bad cold. Took a trip to Columbus for my nephew Tyler. Spent a weekend in Indy at Mo and Frank’s place to celebrate a bunch of birthdays. Turned 39 and was treated to many birthday wishes from family and friends and a birthday lunch with my Mom and nephew Kyle.
May 2011 – Took on the landscaping job at Mom’s house building a retaining wall with a pond inside. Road trip with my sister-in-law and niece to South Carolina for a week, then repacked and went to Virginia for a week with my nephew.
June 2011 – Landscaping project pretty much finished. Held a big family picnic with smoked brisket – YUM! And started doing some cleaning out of the storage unit.
July 2011 – Made the decision to move to Tampa. Then had second thoughts and ended up just flying down to talk one-on-one with my former best friend Gary to figure things out. (Even then I knew something didn’t feel right . . . if only I had listened to myself.)
August 2011 – On my way back from FL missed my flight in DC and had to spend the night in the airport. Went to Relay for Life with the family in memory of Dad and Uncle Ron. Left Ohio on the 15th to move to Tampa for a year to help Gary get life back on track. Also learned just how connected I had become with the family and Echo the pup. Of course all the moving stuff happened after I got to FL. And a job interview with a temp agency at the end of the month.
September 2011 – Celebrated my 1 year anniversary of being let go from my job. Discovered how much I love(d) the beach. Watched several specials about the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Missed the Illumination concert and the chance to meet Jeremy Camp. Was introduced to St. Pete and The Taco Bus.
October 2011 – Suffered through a 3 day cold that had me down and out pretty bad. Recovered just in time to go to Red Bull Flugtag in downtown Tampa. Got to ride on an actual cablecar for the first time! Travelled to Orlando and Cocoa Beach to hang out with Mo and Frank for a weekend. And when I came back to the apt that Monday, that was the beginning of the end of my time in Tampa and my friendship with Gary. Just a little more than a week later turned in the termination notice at the apt complex and began working on packing up to move back to Ohio.
November 2011 – Said goodbye to Florida (and at this point will NEVER live there again, too many bad memories) and said goodbye at this point to another one of my longtime friends Gary. I left FL one day with a temp of 83 degrees and made it to Ohio the next evening with a temp of about 40 degrees. And the day after that was the first snow in Ohio!!! Started my time to reflect on what had happened over the past 3 months and all the feelings and emotions I had experienced.
December 2011 – After a fallout/misunderstanding with my sister, I am blessed with a better relationship than we have had in many years. Helped my nephew Malachi move to Kenton. Another great family Christmas get-together at my niece’s house. Quietly cruised to Christmas day then a small but very fun New Year’s Eve party at Mom’s.
2011 – after a look back month by month, it was quite a year of firsts for me; first remodel in a house, first landscaping project, first time to go to S.Carolina and Virginia (I had been to Arlington Cemetary in HS on a trip to DC, but I don’t count that as Virginia – that was extended DC!) and first time to live in FL, but first time I have lived anywhere for such a short amount of time. And it is the first time in forever that I have been out of work for over a year.
2012 – Well, what I want to happen first and foremost is to follow God’s plan for me. I’m not sure how well I did at that in 2011, but I pray to listen and follow God’s lead much better this year. I hope that includes a good-paying job and a nice apartment in the Columbus area. But I guess we’ll see what happens this year over the next 366 days!
Happy Leap Year and may God Bless each and every one of you this coming year!
God Scores Again!
So yeah, I have moved to Florida for any of you who might have missed that over the past 2 months or so. I prayed about it and decided this would be a good thing because my best bud Gary was needing some guidance and support to get himself back on track. And I am now convinced that my purpose in life is to just be there to help out when I’m needed. Let’s face it, careers and material things will fade but the love of family and friends will last into eternity.
But since I have been here I have felt “trapped” and that has added to the fact that I am 800+ miles from my Mom, Echo (the pup) and the rest of the family. Talk about some major depression! Well it came to a head for me this past weekend when I thought I was going to have to figure out a way to live the next 2 months on about $100 after paying all the bills. Rarely I cry myself to sleep but this weekend I bawled myself to an unrestful state of “sleep” if you can call it that. What a horrible night. When I “woke up” I stared up at the ceiling but looking past the ceiling up to God and prayed for what ended up being about 45 mins and more of a conversation than a prayer. I asked for Him to put His hand on me and guide me to what I needed to see. I came out to the computer and within a minute of looking at the checkbook He showed me the mistake I made – double entry for rent payment. Whew!!!!!!!!! GOD IS AWESOME!!!!!!! What I couldn’t find for an hour and a half the night before HE showed me in less than a minute.
1 Corinthians 2:5 – So that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.
Amen!
Listening Too Hard?
ME: “Shhhh!!!!!! I’m trying to listen to what God is trying to say to me!!!!”
GOD: “But what I’m trying to say is that . . .”
ME: “Shhhhhhh! Seriously! I’m trying to listen to what God has to say to me!!!!”
GOD: “Um dude, if you would just HEAR ME I’m trying to tell you . . .”
ME: “Um Dude – if You would just understand that I’m trying to LISTEN . . .”
Yeah, I get the feeling that this is kinda what has been happening lately.
You see, in the past I have opened my heart and ears so I could listen and hear what God wants me to do – what my next step is and where I am supposed to go and how I am going to get there. Believe me when I say this is not an easy thing to do because the human side of me wants to look at the worldly view of what is being asked of me and question it. “You want me to move WHERE? Pffffttt!!!!!!!! Yeah, um . . . okay God. YOU tell me how THAT is going to work out because that has a 1 in a million shot of working out.” And then just like a jigsaw puzzle each piece begins to fit in the one and ONLY way that it can fit to work and before I know it His picture is complete.
And this happened just with moving. It has happened in many aspects of my life. The job I am meant to do, the people I am meant to be friends with, the impossible idea that I “somehow” figure out how to solve when I exhausted every option I could think of. So many parts of my life that I hit the auto-pilot button and just let Him do his thing. At first it was scary to just give up control like that. But after seeing how things worked out (sometimes the way I wanted and other times not what I wanted, but always the way He wanted) I would sit back in awe and I decided it was too cool to not just go with it.
So when I lost my job I went to bed that night and left my wound wide open for him to guide me to the path of health and healing. And the next day it was decided that I was moving back to Ohio and from that point there was a calmness inside of me, a peace of mind after what us humans would call a major tragedy, that I can’t even explain nor do I want to even try. It was God because it was His plan and He did just what He wanted to do – healed my wound. It was almost as if losing my job was a godsend! Hmmm, well would you look at that; there’s God yet again working without me even realizing it until after it was all said and done.
So lately I have been anxiously waiting for my next step, listening as hard as I can for God to speak to me and guide me like He always does. Move to Columbus? That was part of the original plan back when I heard Him say to move to Ohio. I think. I mean the main part was to get me to move to Ohio of course. Hmmm, maybe the Columbus thing was my own addition to His plan. Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to get any jobs in Columbus to call me back. Move to Virginia with my nephew and his family? I went out and it was VERY nice and pretty out there and I *could* see myself living there. But nothing seems to be moving that way either. Move to Tampa with my best bud Gary? Well that seems to be more of a happening plan thus far since I think the job market is more saturated with call center/customer service jobs there than anywhere else I’m looking. Plus it would be nice to live back in a southern (warmer) climate again. And I would be with my best friend and brother Gary.
I’m listening and I hear nothing. Has God decided to take a vacation this time and let me figure it out for myself? Or maybe I’m not really listening like in the past and I need to try harder? Or maybe it’s quite the opposite. Remember the dialog at the beginning of this post? Is this what is happening? Is it possible to LISTEN so hard that you don’t HEAR what is being said? That every time He starts to talk I shush Him because I’m trying to hear Him? I know it sounds crazy but I honestly think I can’t hear because I’m trying too hard to listen. I hope, no PRAY, that I can find a way to relax and just let Him talk to me. I want something – ANYthing, to happen so badly that I need to chill out and get back on His game plan because right now I am wasting my quarters on the game machine with a huge “Out of Order” sign on it that I’m looking around to see if the game has started.
A perfect song to LISTEN to and HEAR the meaning: Walk By Faith – Jeremy Camp
Landscaping Completed . . . In a Way
So a few weeks ago (sorry for the delay) I completed the landscaping project that has been in my head for some years now and just never had a place of my own to create it. I have to admit it turned out much better than I anticipated and with the help of my nephews a few ideas were discovered that were not in the original idea that just made the project really come together.
Although I have yet to take a picture of it during the daytime, I finally shot a few last night so you can see what it looks like after dark. Believe me when I say it has 2 different personalities – one during the day and one at night. During the day the flowers and rocks really are the show pieces of the display. And yes the fountain as it’s jets spray the water back into the water in the pond adds to the sounds of the music gently playing in the rock speakers. It is very pretty.
However, at night is my favorite because the lighting scheme we have really takes over and the light and shadow contrasts on the individual elements really makes this a thing to see in person. At least in my opinion. First we have the cleverly disguised lights that are ran in landscaping edging around the base of the wall which casts light up the wall and with the design of the rocks used creates a nice glow that fades as you get to the top. then there is the strand of lights that runs along the inside of the edge of the wall. This gives the flowers and rocks a nice warm glow which I think gives them a completely different look than during the day. Then you have the 3 lights in the pond itself – 1 on the waterfall rocks and 2 to light up the fountain. The 2 on the fountain really do light up the fountain so as you look at it at night you can see it better rather than just getting lost in the dark and just hearing water somewhere.
The waterfall rocks . . . well that is a different story. This is where the “in a way” part of the title comes in because we positioned the rocks and made a waterfall that looks absolutely awesome . . . except that it leaked water so badly we would have emptied our pond in a few hours. So we invested in a bottle of landscaping spray foam sealant. This is kind of like the insulating foam you spray into holes and it sets up and plugs holes, except this is made specifically for waterfalls and such in landscaping projects because it is an adhesive and waterproof foam and sets up rather quickly. After spraying the areas we thought were causing the issues with leaking we ran the fountain again and although the water was not pouring out as before, it was still leaking some. So we worked in some more, but it was still leaking. So after a day or so we tested it again, but nope – we definitely had a leak somewhere. So it looks like we will need to disassemble all the rocks and clean off the landscaping foam and try to rebuild it from the ground up but this time applying the foam as we add each layer. Hopefully that will solve our waterfall leak and we can begin to run it along with the fountain.
Anyway, here is a pic of the landscaping project (minus waterfall) at night. I’ll try to get a few pics during the day (not today though – it’s pouring down rain) and post them up here as well. Let me know what you think!
What’s Wrong With Me
So I have been listening to my nephew talk about a friend of his who does mobile DJ’ing for a company and how he has helped his friend a few times and had a blast. Sounds a lot like the kind of stuff I used to do when I was in High School and would DJ the school dances to raise money for choir and such. It was always a blast – I mean for someone like me who lives and breathes music 24/7 what better thing to do than play music for large groups of people and have a great time. So I decided to check into the company this week and find out if they would be interested in hiring me. Dream job potential.
So I sent an email with my regular resume and my entertainment industry resume along with a few paragraphs asking for a chance to talk with me and give me a chance. To my surprise I got an email the next morning and by 5pm that afternoon I was talking to the owner of the company. Of course there is a training period for me to learn about their equipment and such and build trust before they let me run off by myself. So the first “training day” was scheduled for today. A prom in Michigan – leave at 10am and get back around 6am Sat morning. I would be travelling and working with the owner. Dream job realized!
However, as Thursday progressed so did my feeling that this is not something I wanted to do. But why? What is wrong with me? I have the opportunity to learn and do a job that would eventually pay very well but even more important would be a ton of fun and is what I was built to do. Yet I kept dreading Friday and doing this job. Maybe because I was dreading the extra stuff that came with the job – such as a 10 hour round-trip drive with a complete stranger that I know nothing about. Maybe because I was dreading the possibility of a bunch of teen-bopper music that I don’t know and it would make me feel old. Maybe because I felt this job was as best as I can do now and it is unstructured like an office job and doesn’t offer medical insurance and such that I have become accustomed to. Or maybe it’s the fact that I have fallen into a comfortability of not working and have no interest of going back to work.
Dream job rejected. I woke up at 7:30am to get ready and start my first day on the job. But my feelings were even more intense. I just couldn’t go through with it. So I called and cancelled out. Which means the door to this possibility is now closed. Now I am left to try to figure out why I would take a perfect dream job for myself and basically throw it away.
What’s wrong with me?
Hello Life, It's Me . . . 